Overthinking

 

I used to believe that overthinking would give me a sense of security and control in my life.  That if I thought of every possible scenario and situation, I couldn't be taken by surprise or hurt-or at least the blow back would be more bearable.  And it has always worked out for me.

Usually my mind runs to the darkest place: you're getting fired, this person hates you, you missed a deadline.  It used to be that I could swallow my fear, face the situation, and then I'd quickly realize that sometimes the boss/teacher/friend may just have something to say that has nothing to do with you...at least not in a negative connotation.

But what happens when overthinking begins to ruin things?  When you let the expectations in your head become your own reality?  When you're too busy thinking that you're not actually living?

I don't know.

This week has been more stressful than most for some reason.  Between work and school and preparing for random things, my brain is going faster than usual.  Listing worries usually has a way of calming me, so feel free to skip on past the bullets:

• I'm trying to catch up in a class I've fallen behind in. 
• Need to dedicate more hours to my mall job because there is more work than I anticipated this week.
• Trying to figure out money because it all seems to be gone-not that this is anything new. 
• Worrying about classes and what school will be like next semester, next year, and then stressing because there is nothing I can do about it and I know that.
• I cannot stop thinking about getting coffee with Jeff's mom on Thursday.  I don't know what time we're getting together and that stresses me out (though she's calling me tonight).  I also know that there will be public tears because any time I start talking/thinking about Jeff, I want to or start to cry.  Just last night I found a picture of us from a wedding reception roughly two years ago and spent a good chunk of time grieving.
• A friend is moving on Sunday and between both of our crazy schedules,  I want to see her one more time.
• I'm trying to start working out and can't seem to find time to go.  For everyone who says you make time, you have to realize that I've been sleeping 5-6 hours a night between all the stuff I have going on.  Getting up early just isn't an option right now.
• Trying to be a good friend, in general, and make time for the people who are important to me.

Because of these stressors, any time a friend doesn't really text me back, my brain, from already being in overdrive, decides that it's not because they're working or busy or haven't looked at their phone, but because they don't want to talk to me.  I read into short responses.  I read into the fact that I'm texting first.  I overthink and read into everything.

I think I just need a nap.

And just so this post isn't entirely negative, down, depressing, stressful (how many synonyms can I think of?), here are some positive things about my week:

• Crookston graduated from obedience school!  Not only was I proud of him (I may have teared up...what can I say, he's my baby), but it means I have my Tuesday nights back to dedicate to work. This means that I hopefully only need to be at my part-time job two nights a week instead of spreading it thinly over three or four.
• My blog redesign is happening soon and I'm so so so excited for it!
• I get to see Jeff's mom.  This shouldn't be a stressor because it really is a good thing.  I haven't seen her since the funeral and it'll be nice to catch up in person instead of via email.
• It's Lent!  Maybe that sounds like a cheesy, or weird, positive, but it's like my Catholic new year.  My mom, dad, and I have been doing the same daily prayers so it's fun to talk to them about what they took away from it.
• Speaking of Lent, I'm holding true to my resolutions/goals.  I haven't eaten meat and despite the initial withdraws, it's not that difficult.  An added bonus is that I've lost three pounds, though that's probably because I'm eating healthier food, not just because I cut out meat.
• One of my friends is drifting through GF to go ice fishing for the weekend, so there's a slim chance I'll get to see him on Friday, and a slightly greater chance that I'll see him on Sunday.
• I spent last weekend in Bismarck with some of my best friends.  I got to see a lot of people I wasn't expecting (added bonus) and Hank, Shannon and Jared's dog, has gotten HUGE, so I loved on him as well.