Living Intentionally

I do a lot of things that are cringe-worthy.  I find myself looking back days, months, years, and thinking, "wow, that was super shitty of me."  I generally view myself as a positive and up front person, but sometimes when I do a deep reflection, I find that I'm not living the life I thought I was.

I want to live more intentionally.  It's easy to get swept up in the easiness of just existing.  Sometimes weeks will go by and I'll look back and feel...well, not much of anything.  This is not to say that I do not enjoy life, or that I do nothing, but sometimes I find that I haven't done anything to make me grow.

It's almost like taking the backseat in your own life.  Letting things happen to you: plans, homework, friends, instead of making things happen.  I've been in a rut for a while.

But then there are these great moments of clarity.  Moments where I think, I'm not happy...and I actually do something about it.  One personal example of this for me was with my love life.  I wasn't meeting any one the old fashioned way, so I decided to take the plunge and try online dating.  While it didn't turn out to be the right fit for me (at least at this point in my life), it was me taking control.

Another thing I often find myself doing is taking the backseat when it comes to guys.  Because of past relationships and experiences, I've let a lot of guys "happen" to me.  I become so stinking agreeable.  You want to go to that restaurant even though it's the only place we've gone for weeks and I got sick the last two times?  Okay, let's go.  You don't want to date me because you don't know "what I want," but will text me every Saturday at midnight?  Okay, I'll text you back.  I let myself get overshadowed by boyfriends and guys who didn't want to have the boyfriend label within twenty feet of them.  Why?  Because it's easier than speaking up.  I'd rather deal with feeling like crap than feeling uncomfortable, or embarrassed, or argumentative.

But this year is a new me.  This year is an intentional year.  Intentionality is really what my 25 Before 26 goals are about.  Everything on that list is something I have to actively work toward.  I didn't put anything that could just "accidentally" be accomplished.

I want to be more present in every day life.  I want to tell people how I feel about them and how they make me feel.  No more keeping quiet for the sake of consistency.  I'm putting all of me out there because if someone can't handle it, then they aren't meant to be in my life.