Is everyone out there happy with what's happening in their life? I think that I let big dreams interfere with what is actually a pretty great and amazing life. I let other people's opinions of how I should spend my time affect my level of satisfaction. I guess I'm just wondering if I'm settling on smaller dreams because fear, and doubt, and possibly crippling failure, are roadblocks to a, maybe fantastical, life.
When I work at the middle school, I'm always surprised and moved by the love and support I receive from my coworkers and my kids. While being a para last year, I thought that teaching was what I wanted to do. I left the middle school, intending to go to school full-time in order to finish my undergrad degree in education. Life happened though and I found myself dreaming bigger, taking the risk, and looking at a career in management and fashion. But if I'm satisfied, why do I suddenly become quiet when I see my old colleagues and they ask me how school is going? Why do I care that they seem surprised that I'm still at the store I love? Why do their opinions of where my talent would best be used affect me so much?
If I am sure of one thing, it's that I'm not cut out for a job in education. I love helping people and being surrounded by chaos and laughter, and while teaching does fulfill those desires, chaos is not something I'd like in a classroom. I love problem solving and angry people and uncontrollable fits of laughter, and I'm in a job where I experience all three of those things, and more, in the mere span of a day. I love my job.
As I get closer to the management track and the program that my store has, I find myself looking at every exit. This is my last chance to get off the highway. Once I commit to something, I belong to it and it belongs to me. As my last month of regular employee-hood slowly winds down, I feel the need to be 100% sure of my choice.
But I'm only 24. While our parents and grandparents had marriages, careers and children by this point, I feel like I'm just starting in the adult world. I used lip liner the other day, guys...lip liner. You don't get more adult than that (for the record, it was clear so my red lips didn't bleed). I think that I am experiencing a full-blown, quarter-life crisis. This sucks.
I'm at that crossroads where I'm making decisions that will affect the rest of my life. At this juncture, I'm deciding, ultimately, where I will end up living, which affects who and if I will get married, children, lifestyle...that's a lot of grown up stuff!
So do I just take the plunge? Is that what every adult does; throws caution to the wind and all the other dreams along with it? Am I missing that feeling in my gut that tells me if this will be right or if it will be wrong? I'm not scared of this future, but I'm worried about what choosing it means. Making this choice means I'm choosing not to write. Choosing this life means that I'll never own my vintage and whatever shop. Choosing this life means not choosing others.
Growing up is hard.
