Single

I wish I were able to put into words how I'm feeling, but I can't.

I have so many emotions that are at odds with one another that I'm honestly still just trying to keep it all together.

I think the thing that hurts the most about being broken up with is the feeling of inadequacy. I feel tiny. I feel like I failed, like I'm not good enough and I don't deserve to be loved. I feel stupid: for not seeing it coming, for falling in love with my entire heart and soul, for trusting one person so completely.

Everything happens for a reason. No one believes this more than I do. As tough as it is to see and believe, the reason he was in my life wasn't for him (necessarily), but to lead me somewhere. To my dream job, to a person who will change my life, to an idea I never would have had before.

On the positive side, I've been reading like crazy. Mostly because he'd lent me books that I will be returning on Friday or Saturday, but who am I to complain about a little motivation?

Alone

I like to be alone. I like the quiet. I like how undemanding and easy and relaxed it is. Sometimes I'm alone with other people, but it's rare and special, and it comes from not only acceptance in doing nothing, saying nothing, but in embracing it without words.

I stumbled upon this video today and I instantly liked it. I like her voice, the rhyming, the animation. Watch it if you have a moment.

Things I like to do when I'm alone:

• Go to the bathroom with the door open
• Make faces in the mirror and sometimes talk to myself in an accent
• Dance with my dog, long, sweaty spells of dancing
• Stick kleenex up my nose if it's running to stop the drainage and reduce the number of tissues I need
• Pick at my feet
• Practice random exhaling sounds
• Sing
• Knit and watch wedding shows that will inevitably make me cry
• Watch depressing movies and sob and decide to live a better life
• Go to the dog park, it's nice to just sit on a bench in autumn while my baby can run freely around
• Shop, shopping with others stresses me out, I feel pressured about time and money when I am with others
• Spend too much time online
• Lay in bed for entirely too long
• Make lists
• Arrange my closet and/or room
• Walk around in underwear and a t-shirt
• Walk around in nothing

On a completely different venue, this last video is 100% me.