Reflection

I've got a lot of blog ideas floating in my head, some that I think are pretty cool and that I have a lot of pictures for, but I've been working nonstop for the past few days, so I'm stealing something from Lynsey over at her blog, Read. Write. Create.

Lynsey wrote and shared some journaling prompts to reflect on the past year. So, without further ado, here they are:

1. What word best represents the year 2011? Is it a word you chose in advance, like the “One Little Word” project, or did the word “find” you during this past year? Why does this word represent this past year, and what did you learn in relationship to the word during 2011?

2. At the end of 2012, which word would you like to be able to say represented the year for you? Why do you want that word to represent your year? What actions can you take to make that happen?

3. Which 2011 accomplishment are you most proud of? Why are you proud of that accomplishment? Can you build upon that accomplishment in 2012? If so, how will you do so?

4. Did you go anywhere new in 2011? Where was it - a new grocery store, a vacation spot, a new class, a new website? Describe this new place.

5. Where do you want to go in 2012? Is it a vacation spot, a new direction in your work or hobby, a new restaurant, or something else? Describe where you want to go. Tell us why you want to go there. How could you - or your creative life - benefit from going somewhere new?

6. What held you back from achieving your goals in 2011? How can you make sure it doesn’t stop you in 2012?

7. What are your goals for 2012? What are your obligations in 2012? How can you mesh the two of these together?

I work out

Trying to blog on my computer, but it's boycotting me.

This post is to say I've started working out and it actually feels good. Weird, huh?

I've been sick, but have been to the gym every day since returning from Wolf Ridge (post on that later).

My favorite thing about the gym is that it lets me deal with my emotions in a healthy way. For example, today I exercised out of anger. My entire workout was dedicated to this guy who stopped calling and texting me when, after he made a joke, I told him I would not be sleeping with him. Guys kind of suck.

But at least my ass is getting tighter.

For Mature Audiences Only

The other day at work I was looking up craft projects to make with or for the science class I teach when I came across this sweet brain hat.

It looked fairly easy and pretty cheap on the website, but I had never bought caulk before so I had no idea if it was going to be expensive and stop me from creating these sweet hats. Being 22 (almost 23!) means that I don't own a house or anything else that requires purchasing and using caulk, so I decided to ask a real grown-up.

After school, I sought out my supervisor who I have a really good relationship with. She supports me in all of my crazy ideas and lets me grow as an educator in so many ways. KO, my supervisor, was sitting at her desk when I asked her how much cock was....

Yep, I didn't realize that the right way to say caulk is, well, so it doesn't sound like a guy's business. KO stared at me for a minute, started laughing, and told me she's never had to pay for it before, so she didn't know.

Then she graciously pointed out my mistake, and the next 3 people who came in got a chuckle as she retold the story.

I still don't really know how to say caulk properly, so I'm just going to go to Menards and ask for that white stuff you squirt around your bathtub.

Wolf Ridge

Next week I'll be braving a seven-hour drive, in a yellow bus, with roughly 140 seventh graders, to spend a week away from GF. No, I'm not a glutton for punishment, it's just time for Wolf Ridge.

What's Wolf Ridge? Wolfy, as one of my students has so lovingly renamed it, is an Environmental Learning Camp. While away from home, my kids and I will get to learn about nature, do a ropes course, rock climb, learn winter survival, and a bunch of other neat things to expand their minds and comfort zones.

I'm really excited to go, albeit a little nervous. My camera is cracked from an unfortunate dropping on Halloween, so I'm hoping it's up to the task of working and surviving the week with me. I plan on taking a bunch of pictures so it better hold up.

One of the reasons I'm looking forward to the trip is that I remember when I got to go ten years ago, when I was just an overexcited seventh grader. I remember staying up too late with the people I naively thought I'd be best friends forever with. I remember sneaking food to our dorm and having our chaperone look the other way. I remember reaching the top of the rock wall and kissing this stuffed goat (who evidently still resides there and people still kiss him...wonder if he'll remember me?). There are so many fond memories that I'm excited to relive it and be there to support my kids as they make lasting memories on their own.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I'm experimenting a little bit with the background of the blog, along with fonts, and other things that I never really have time to do. I'm going to try and make one, or find a cool one on the internet, but for right now, I'm just messing around with different blogger options, so please be patient.

Season of Giving

So far I've been keeping up with my seasonal generosity. I've bought donuts for my kids, made my kids treats, decorated their door secretly and helped other teacher's with minor things. I've grabbed a name off of the giving tree, but have yet to shop for it. Anyway, know that I'm keeping up with my goal, and my kids seem to like me better. Now here's a picture of their door.

Day 1 of Giving

Today is December 1st, so it's also my first day of giving. I decided to start with something small and do it right way so I could get the ball rolling.

My tiny thing of giving today was purchasing breakfast for the person behind me in line. It was small, quick, and, whatever they ordered, was surprisingly cheap. Maybe it didn't make that much of a difference in their day, or life, but it made me feel good to surprise someone at 7:30am.

My plan for the next few days:

Dec 2- Decorate my kid's door at school without their knowledge so they come in surprised on Monday.

Dec 3- It's my first Christmas party (for all of the Special Ed team at my school), so I'm trying to think of something to do. I know that I have to bring a dish, but I'm thinking about bringing something extra for the woman who's having us at her home.

Dec 4- This one will be tricky. I work at the group home from 7:30-3 and then at the Buckle from 3-7:30, so there isn't a lot of time to do something. Maybe I can bake at the group home. I could also maybe bake on Friday or Saturday and bring those treats to the Buckle.

Dec 5- This is the day my kids will see their door! The first few days of this week are going to be crazy because it's going to be school, and then immediately after, going to the Buckle for a few hours. I think there's a meeting I can attend on this day for volunteering on a "communication" board. I have to listen to my voicemail again, but if it's on this day, I'm counting it.

I'll post more ideas as I plan them out.

Switching?

We all know that I don't update this nearly as often as I should. Part of my problem is when I'm not at the school working, I'm at home making stuff for the school, or working somewhere else on stuff for the school. Sure, I have amazing friends that force me out for dinner and a movie when my homework load isn't too big, but right now, my life is centered around work.

Strangely enough, I'm in love with work. I don't mind the stress and the paper cuts and the unpaid hours of work because I love my kids.

So I've been thinking. I may need a new blog. A teacher/para sort of blog where I post my pictures of activities and ideas and maybe meet some cool professional peeps. The only thing is...I don't have any idea how to make a cool blogger.

I need to figure out how to design and implement an original blogger background. Then, I'll be unstoppable.

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope you are all enjoying your Thanksgiving and are surrounded by people that you love and care about.

Season of Giving

So everything in my life is going pretty well right now. I'm currently set to return to school in the spring (while continuing to work full time) and the admissions guy at the school of Education said that if I manage Cs in all of my classes, I'm pretty much guaranteed to get into the program come May.

I'm pretty excited to get started with school again, because it means I'm one step closer to the Education program, which means I'm one step closer to graduating and teaching. If someone had asked me a year ago if I thought I would go into teaching, I would have been hesitant to answer. I thought teaching was what my mom did and, great as she is, I didn't want to feel like I was just joining the "family business."

Then I decided to take some time off of school despite everyone telling me it was a horrible idea and that it would be so hard to go back and that most people don't go back. I applied for a bunch of crappy jobs that I was overqualified for (the first one that springs to mind was Petco) and I got maybe 2 interviews and no job offers.

I became a substitute para in the process and went from school to school, grade to grade, disability to disability. I found that not only did I love teaching kids, but I enjoyed middle schoolers, who have always made me uncomfortable because they reminded me of my own awkward youth.

So I subbed for a semester and then was offered a full-time position for the 2011-2012 year, which is where I'm currently at. I'm not a typical para though. Since I want to go into education, I am constantly making things, creating lessons and talking to my special ed supervisor to see what else I can do. I want to suck up as much as possible because unlike many of my co-workers, being a para is not where I see myself in ten years. I am a teacher, despite the para label.

So off of that rant. I'm going back to school. I'm loving all of my jobs. And I'm addicted to Pinterest.

Wait, what? How does Pinterest come into play? First of all, Pinterest is this extremely addictive website that lets you "pin" pictures of clothes, teaching ideas, home decor, recipes, you name it, to virtual "pinboards." I'm on it far more than can possibly be considered healthy.

Anyway, I found this lady's blog because of Pinterest. For her 38th birthday, she decided to do 38 random acts of kindness. She really inspired both my mom and myself. My birthday is in about two weeks and I thought, hey, I can do 23 random acts of kindness.

But then I realized something. I'm 23. I still like to go out for my birthday and I want to be able to be fairly lazy on my birthday, so that's probably not going to work. Instead, I decided to take the idea and tweek it a bit.

I'm going to do a Season of Giving. What I'm hoping will come out of the project is roughly one act of kindness a day. They may be little things that people thank me for but don't expect, or little things that strangers can never repay, or bigger things.

Some of my ideas include:

1. Pay for the person's breakfast or coffee behind me in the drive through.
2. Make treats for my kids at school.
3. Serve a meal at the homeless shelter.
4. Volunteer at the Humane Society (not only loving on the dogs, but making sure they get out to use the restroom).
5. Shoveling a neighbors sidewalk.
6. Two of my kiddos at school have their own room, I'm hoping to secretly decorate it on a Friday, so they come in surprised on Monday.
7. Bring in either baked goods or donuts to the school lounge.
8. Bring in treats to work at the Buckle.
9. Donate some of the clothes that I don't really need to the kids at the group home.
10. Knit a scarf or two for the Special Olympics.
11. Help someone bring their groceries or bags to their car.

This is just a rough list of ideas. I'm hoping that most days will just have a "holiday spirit giving" idea that jumps out at me.

Another one of my goals is to take some pictures to share with you guys. I'm thinking if I take pictures of certain things, like the scarves, or making treats for my kids, it'll keep me motivated and perhaps make me a better (read: more consistent) blogger.

Going back to school

Next spring, I'll be a student again...and working full time. I'm beyond excited!

Single

I wish I were able to put into words how I'm feeling, but I can't.

I have so many emotions that are at odds with one another that I'm honestly still just trying to keep it all together.

I think the thing that hurts the most about being broken up with is the feeling of inadequacy. I feel tiny. I feel like I failed, like I'm not good enough and I don't deserve to be loved. I feel stupid: for not seeing it coming, for falling in love with my entire heart and soul, for trusting one person so completely.

Everything happens for a reason. No one believes this more than I do. As tough as it is to see and believe, the reason he was in my life wasn't for him (necessarily), but to lead me somewhere. To my dream job, to a person who will change my life, to an idea I never would have had before.

On the positive side, I've been reading like crazy. Mostly because he'd lent me books that I will be returning on Friday or Saturday, but who am I to complain about a little motivation?

Alone

I like to be alone. I like the quiet. I like how undemanding and easy and relaxed it is. Sometimes I'm alone with other people, but it's rare and special, and it comes from not only acceptance in doing nothing, saying nothing, but in embracing it without words.

I stumbled upon this video today and I instantly liked it. I like her voice, the rhyming, the animation. Watch it if you have a moment.

Things I like to do when I'm alone:

• Go to the bathroom with the door open
• Make faces in the mirror and sometimes talk to myself in an accent
• Dance with my dog, long, sweaty spells of dancing
• Stick kleenex up my nose if it's running to stop the drainage and reduce the number of tissues I need
• Pick at my feet
• Practice random exhaling sounds
• Sing
• Knit and watch wedding shows that will inevitably make me cry
• Watch depressing movies and sob and decide to live a better life
• Go to the dog park, it's nice to just sit on a bench in autumn while my baby can run freely around
• Shop, shopping with others stresses me out, I feel pressured about time and money when I am with others
• Spend too much time online
• Lay in bed for entirely too long
• Make lists
• Arrange my closet and/or room
• Walk around in underwear and a t-shirt
• Walk around in nothing

On a completely different venue, this last video is 100% me.

Weekend Recap (because a month recap is too much)

So this past weekend I went to the cities to hit up a Twins game with about twenty people I've never met before, but have heard plenty about. Jake's friends, well, a small portion of his largely inflated "circle," decided to get tickets for the UND on Target with the Twins event...which pretty much just meant UND students and alumni could buy tickets for roughly $20. I was pretty nervous because we were staying at this girl named Whitney's house/apartment/dwelling, along with ten other people and I had no idea what to expect.

Obviously these people couldn't be serial killers as they were Jake's close personal friends, but I knew that just because they loved and accepted my weird boyfriend didn't mean that I would earn their affection and tolerance by the end of the weekend.

In short, and without going into all the drama that didn't involve me and I did my best to stay out of, I had a pretty good time. Despite a little awkward beginning, I met something awesome (read: crazy) people who I think I'll remain friends with. I'd even go as far to say that I think I would have become friends with most of them had we met previously.

I've decided to post some pics and write some random stuff under each pic that may or may not make any sense. Enjoy.

This picture is from our first night. It was Kelly's (Whitney's roommate) birthday and the theme was 90s jerseys. I didn't realize how seriously these people take their theme parties (being ex-sorority girls and all), so I did not arrive prepared. I'm wearing a Twins shirt borrowed from Whitney and probably the world's most uncomfortable smile.

This and me and Whit at the game. Our group made it on the big screen 5 times though I'm not surprised given how much dancing and boozing was taking place in our two rows.

Neither Jake or I are the take pictures of ourselves sort of people, but, for some reason, I suggested we take a photo. I don't know why, but this picture makes me feel weird and uncomfortable, probably because I felt stupid taking it. I'm always a little jealous of those girls who have a lot of cute photos with their boyfriends/fiances/husbands/significant others, but I just am not comfortable handing my camera to someone and asking them to take a pic. I feel dumb. I honestly don't even know why I'm posting it.

Two stories after this pic!

The first story is short and about the picture. This is me with Andi (Sean's girlfriend) and Whitney (Andi's friend). The fine young sir in the back is Joe. We asked Joe to take the picture with us and he refused, but seconds before this shot was taking we could hear him sneaking up behind us. Long story short, Joe is a lonely friend but doesn't like to admit it.

The second story involves me and Andi. During our second night out (about five hours after this photo was taken), booze was consumed, stupid decisions were made, and two girls bonded. Andi and I bonded over what many females bond over: man-hating. Andi was angry at her boyfriend and complaining about all the stuff he did that she disliked and how she wishes he were more like Jake (followed by specific things she was jealous of that Jake, or Jake and I did). While I listened to her, all I could think about was how jealous I was of her relationship.

1. Sean, Andi's bf, is someone Andi calls her best friend. I like to think that Jake is my best friend, but Sean is his best friend, so I just label him my boyfriend and don't fall into the idea that I can be dating my best friend like most girls I know say they are.
   


2. Sean drunkenly told us about how much he loves Andi and how much she's the person he thinks about while having alone time. A day or two later, Sean and I were talking on the phone and he mentioned only looking for new jobs in Fargo because that's where Andi is. When he said this, all I could think about was how when Jake was unhappy with his job, he mostly looked for jobs in Fargo and even turned down an interview in Grand Forks. I realize that Jake had a lease and all that jazz in Fargo, but I couldn't help but think, "damn, Sean is truly, deeply, in love. Andi is super lucky."



3. Andi is a photo person! She takes pics of her and Sean which just adds to their cuteness and my envy of them as a couple.

Even though I thought/think all of these things, I realized she was right to be jealous of Jake and I, just as I am right to be jealous of her and Sean. No one's relationship is 100% perfect and there will always be another couple who, in at least one area, seems to have it better off than you do. I'm a super lucky girl though. I have a boyfriend who let me drag him around IKEA for far longer than he would have liked to have been there. I also have a boyfriend who, when I jokingly mentioned the outlets, insisted we go since we're really never in the cities. The most important thing is that I keep the two boyfriends I just mentioned from knowing about one another.

Huge group picture. Try to find me...because I stick out like a sore thumb.
Picture of Jake and I at some bar and restaurant. Andi took this pic. I complain about not having very many nice pics with a boy and then I do lame stuff like this...will I never be happy?!?

Whitney and I being broken down models in the alley bar. Yeah. We're cool.

Dear Blogger

I suck.

Goals- Day One

I ate meat. Didn't even remember that I was trying to test drive being a vegetarian again. Lame.

On the plus side, this post comes to you live from my cellular device! Go technology!

Currently working on book 1-American Gods by Neil Gaiman. Only halfway through which sucks because book club is Sunday. This means I should be reading, not blogging.

Week in the Life project starts this weekend and I'm jacked. Real post explaining that to come.

I now leave you with a random picture of what the kids and I made for lunch last week.

Goals

Well, it's been almost a month so I guess it's time to do a new post.

This post is going to be short, simple and to the point...my goals.

There are quite a few things I want to go before the end of the year, and I figure this blog is as good of a place to write about them and hopefully keep me on track.

1. I would like to be out of credit card debt by December at the absolute latest.
2. Make a budget and stick to it. I spend too much money and need to learn to be more responsible with my income. I plan on going back to school as soon as possible, so I really need to start putting money aside for that.
3. Be more social. I work so much that in my free time, I tend to just hole up and do nothing but watch tv or sleep. I'd like to get out more and meet new people and develop friendships with people I'm only casually connected with.
4. Read 12 books by the end of December. This makes it a book every two weeks. I can re-read, they can be lame chick-lit books...I just want to read more.
5. Write at least once a week in some format. It can be journaling, blogging, creating stories, poetry, anything. I have to cultivate creativity and crawl through and write a bunch of shit before I'm truely going to find a good idea.
6. Trust more.
7. Anger slower.
8. Think less.
9. Compliment others more. I want to compliment at least one person a day.
10. Vegetarian? I have been struggling with this for a while now. I was a vegetarian for nearly 5 years and began to eat meat shortly after I graduated high school. Every time I stumble across PETA's website, or find PETA literature in a box at my house, or see a commercial about animal cruelty, I think about going back. I'm going to try starting tomorrow because I've been putting off starting for awhile now. I don't know if it's going to stick again, but I want to give it another try and see how it feels.

Well, that's it. 10 goals, some easier than others. Some specific, some vague. Wish me luck!

Weekend in the Cities

Jake and I ended up going to Minneapolis weekend of a bit of short notice (which is two weeks, in my book). It was really fun to get out of Grand Forks/Fargo and do something a little different.

We left fairly early on Saturday with me driving and Jake sleeping. It was a long and boring drive, but we switched jobs after reaching Isanti, where we stopped to meet up with an old family friend of my family.

After switching, the drive seemed to go much faster. We decided to hit up the Mall of America since we had some time to kill. I bought these sweet measuring cups from Urban Outfitters. Jake and I also looked at Fossil messenger bags for him since he feels as if bring his backpack to work is a little juvenille. We didn't get him one because they were ridic expensive (cheapest was $158). I grabbed some Arby's and then it was off to Target field.
It was raining so I was worried that the game would get rained out. Luckily they were giving away free cowboy hats to the first 10,000 people so that kept the rain off of my head and Jake had a baseball cap to protect his little hairs. We had to wait at the gates because it was 4pm, but we bonded with Sioux fans (Jake was wearing his jacket) and lesbians, so it was fine.
Once we got inside, it rained on and off until game start, but we filled up on expensive soda and snacks.
The game eventually commenced and we won 1-0 against the Padres...did I mention we were rooting for the Twins (aka Joe Mauer). I took way more photos than necessary and had a great time. Jake and I are going to try and go to at least one other game this year.
The rest of the weekend was chill. Since the game finished at 9pm, we didn't get to Jake's Aunt and Uncle's until almost 10pm. Jake's relatives wanted to stay up and talk and watch movies and all I wanted to do was crawl onto the blowup and fall asleep.

We left fairly early the next morning stopping only for the outlet mall where Jake found, and bought, a Fossil messenger bag for less than $40. I was excited to discover a book outlet where I got some sweet notebooks. We also hit up the Under Armor outlet where I bought a sweet pair of workout pants for cheap--maybe having nice workout clothes will motivate me to actually use them :)

Life, Kyle, and Baseball

It's been roughly a month since my last post. Surprisingly, quite a bit has changed.

Biggest change is that I have a new summer job. I'm working in a group home with kids and young adults who have disabilities. It's hard work, but really rewarding. I wasn't sure if I was going to last because after my first day of training, I went home and cried for about an hour. It was hard to see people who were roughly my age not able to do the same sort of stuff. My dad kept asking me if I'd be able to do it, I'm known for my soft heart, but I've managed to move on, and realize that I'm going to be able to make their lives better and more fulfilling, and that's an incredible feeling.

Another momentous thing that has happened is I lost my camera. This sucks. I'm looking everywhere for it because Jake and I are going to the cities this weekend for a Twins game with APO people and I want to be able to take pictures...mostly to prove that I went. I'm not a big sports person at all. The little bit I know about baseball comes from an awkward and slighly repetitive time where I was seeing a baseball fan. His name was Kyle (or maybe it wasn't and I'm changing names to protect the innocent) and we "saw" each other for two or three short, and seperate, periods of time. He thought I was leading him on, I was trying to like him as much as he seemed to like me; it was magical.

Now that I'm rambling, let me tell you a little about Baseball Kyle. On our first official date, and maybe the only official date, we doubled with my friend Kayla and her boyfriend at the time (who may or may not end up in a crazy house one day...time will tell). We both ordered the chicken finger basket at Applebees. It was delicious. After supper, we went to "Saving Sarah Marshall," and to this day, that movie makes me uncomfortable because it reminds me of this date. During the movie, Kyle spilled popcorn all over the theater. It was embarassing because I wasn't sure if I liked Kyle as a potential boyfriend so I didn't know if I should think of it as cute, or annoying. It was annoying.

When we got back to Kyle's house, I tried to leave right away, but he invited me in for a popsicle and a baseball game (did I mention I was 20 at the time). I kept making excuses, but found myself in his basement, eating a freezee and watching the Twins.

Kyle explained the finer points of baseball and some of that knowledge is still in my head, though most of it didn't stick because of brain freeze. Somewhere during the course of the evening, Kyle made me promise to read "Moneyball" so I told him to read "White Oleander." So I guess some of my weird, random baseball history comes from Kyle and I swapping favorite books.

At the end of the evening, Kyle walked me to my car. It was dark and I still wasn't sure how I felt about him. He leaned in for a kiss and I opened my car door between us, using it to shield myself. It was at this point that he asked if I was even interested in him, an awkward question after a first date, but he was an up front guy and I respected that. I lied and said I just wanted to take it slow. I don't think we ever kissed during any of the times we were "dating" or whatever you call it. He got drunk at my house once and I made him leave because I knew he'd try to kiss me.

I guess the point of all that is to say, Kyle, if you're reading this, thanks for the baseball knowledge and maybe you can call me sometime for chicken strips and no kisses.

That was a long side story, but I am very excited for the game. Jake and I are staying with family of his and making a little side stop to see someone that I'm related to. We're going to go to the mall and I'm probably going to make him hold my hand so that I don't get lost or stolen. It's going to be magical.

Another new thing is I'm making a new friend. Her name is Rhiannon (hi!). I've decided to proclaim our new friendship in a public forum to up the stakes. She's pretty cool and crafty and you should definetly check out her blog.

That's about all I've got for the night. Sorry for the lack of pictures and other fun stuff. I decided that a long, wordy, rambly, photoless post was better than waiting even longer before dusting off the blog and writing again. Hopefully the next post will be prettier.

P.S. "The Hunger Games" was awesome. The other books...may not have gotten read yet.

I just saw the cutest couple ever. They had to be in their nineties. The older man was standing on the balcony looking confused so I asked if he needed help. He told me that he was looking for his wife. I saw a woman standing directly below him, on the main floor, so I described her to him. He told me her name was Margaret.

I went downstairs and saw this woman looking around. I asked her if she was Margaret and she just smiled at me. I told her that her husband was upstairs waiting for her and that she was welcome to take the elevator or stairs up to him.

I left her and went to get the books for my section. I pushed my cart of books into the elevator and walked up the stairs to meet them once they hit my floor. When I reached the top of the stairs, I saw the man and his wife walking down to our meeting rooms, holding hands. They went slowly, and crookedly, and it was the most beautiful thing that I've seen in awhile so I just stood and watched them, trying not to cry.

Reading with the Bandwagon

I'm blaming my lack of posting on a lack of digital camera. I seem to have misplaced it in one of my trips to Fargo, so until I locate that overnight bag, my adventures in crafting will be documented in words.

In other news, I just picked up a few books from the library. They've all been recommended by one person or another. The first is "The Hunger Games" by Suzanne Collins.



I know very little about this book. I know people loved it, that it was on the New York Times best seller list (I think), and that it's a part of a series. That's it.

My second book is "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Steig Larsson.




Yes, I realize that both of these book are super popular, and I'm a little late to jump on the bandwagon, but I want to see if I'm missing out on anything profound. What makes a bunch of people decide to love a book, to buy that book? I'm hoping to figure it out and maybe discover a few new writing styles along the way. I read the intro and part of the first chapter of this one on Jake's kindle and I was less than intrigued. Let's hope I get sucked in soon.

The last book I checked out was "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac.

This book mysteriously "disappeared" from the library over a year ago when my friend and neighbor, Kayla, fell in love with it. It's time to see if the beat generation has any insight on my quarter-life crisis.

So that's all that's new. Three books and a wedding this weekend. Maybe I'll find my camera by then and be able to do a What I Wore piece...and maybe I'll be holding my library books.

Spring Cleaning

Yesterday I did a little spring cleaning of the soul and did something that I do once or twice a year...I deactivated my Facebook.

I've been feeling fairly inadequate lately and have, by my own admission, been expecting too much of the people I love and who love me.

When I'm faced with a serious issue, I tend to Google it...yep, I'm a product of the digital age. I asked the mighty gods and goddesses of Google, how do I lower my expectations of people and this mantra, "The higher my expectations, the lower my serenity," from Kathleen Gage popped up.

I did a little searching around her blog, mostly just killing time, and then went over to Facebook, where many mid-to-late-twenties people waste a majority of their time. Immediately upon signing on I was bombarded with engagements (causing me to question my relationship), pictures of people going out with friends (causing me to question my friendships and the way I spend my free time), and pictures of new cars, houses, etc (causing me to question my status). Between all of the pictures, the bragging statuses, and the congratulations on changed relationship statuses, I realized something: this isn't making me feel good.

Facebook was designed as a tool to connect with and maintain friendships with those persons you attended college with. Eventually, high schoolers were allowed into the famous site and then, a few years later, everyone could get "The Facebook."

When I started Facebook, I enjoyed looking at friends pictures. We were all in high school, so we all were, roughly, going through the same stuff at the same time. Once college hit, one or two of those friends got engaged or pregnant, but it wasn't the norm. I still enjoyed creeping on friends and posting updates on my life (mostly because I wanted this guy or that guy to see that I was amazing and fine without them).

Now I'm at a weird point in my life. I'm taking a break from school, so the partying and complaining about tests seems foreign and trivial (though I realize I may be the same way when I return to school). Acquaintances who are my age or a grade or two younger are getting engaged, or worse yet, married. We're all at different spots in our lives and our relationships, but that doesn't stop me from breaking out the measuring stick and feeling as if my life is falling short.

So it's adios, Facebook. At this point, I'm just not in the mood to have feel inadequate against people I didn't really know, or like, from high school and college, so I'm cutting it out from my life.
Maybe it seems dumb that I'm letting something as trivial as Facebook control my feelings this much, but I can't help it. At this point, I'm working roughly 50-60 hours a week between my four jobs and it's wearing on me. I handle work just fine, but when I get home, I'm exhausted and not feeling as great as I could, and usually do, about myself. Going on Facebook in that sort of mood is toxic, plain and simple.

I'm really excited to be free of Facebook. I'm looking forward to having time to blog (because this post never would have happened if I'd had my account activated). I'm excited to craft more. The main thing is, I'm excited to only be able to see one aspect of people's lives because without the window that is Facebook, my expectations should be more realistic.

Fabric Flowers

I'm going to attempt to make fabric flowers for headbands later today. There will be pictures, and hot glue, and blisters, and maybe some tears. Pretty bummed because most of the fabric I have lying around the house is either really heavy or has a dark vintage look to it, making it perfect for fall and winter, but not for spring and summer.

What I want

Trying it again, this thing you all affectionately refer to as blogging. Instead of the standard, first, who I am, what I love, what this blog will be, post, I'm going to dive right in. It's not sunny, or happy, but I am feeling useless. I'm planning my future, or planning the events that will lead to this future, and I can't help but feel unimportant. Growing up with a military dad, I always admired him for being a hero. My dad would go overseas and defend freedom, fight bad guys, do general, vague, hero stuff. When trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, I can't help but feel the need to serve others. Sure, teaching is selfless-ish, but I can't help but want to do more.

• I want to join the Peace Corps.



• I want to work for a non-profit.



• I want to feed, and walk, and love homeless pets.



• I want to talk to, inspire, laugh with, cry with, homeless people.



• I want to change someone's life.



• I want to make a bunch of money and then go overseas and build schoolsand shelters with it.



• I want to teach little girls to be proud of themselves, their victories and their bodies.



• I want to help battered women leave their abusers, no matter how much time it takes.



• I want to craft with the elderly, and paint their nails, and listen to them play the piano because their family doesn't visit quite as often as they used to.



• I want to drive a bus around the country and donate books to impoverished kids.



• I want to donate a kidney to someone.

When I look at all these big ideas, and others like them, I can't help but feel like teaching, at least kids in the United States, is selfish. There is so much tragedy in the world, I just wish my heart and budget were big enough to make a difference.